


Adjustment

by ubernoner



Category: Dirty Pair (Anime & Manga), Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22260334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ubernoner/pseuds/ubernoner
Summary: In the farthest reaches of the galaxy, in the greatest halls of power, there is only one true constant...
Relationships: n/a
Kudos: 4





	Adjustment

**Author's Note:**

> The following is a work of fanfiction: there is no intent of this author to violate, transgress, profit from or infringe upon the Copyright and Intellectual Property (IP) rights of the parent Copyright or IP holders of characters, events or locations belonging to the same which may be contained within this work. To reiterate; this is a Derivative Work meant to be used under Fair Use as described in 17 U.S.C. § 101 and § 107.

The Citadel Council stood arrayed in all their majesty, while the gallery above was filled with representatives from every associate race. Before them stood the current Batarian Ambasador, Jath’Amon. Next to him was what appeared to be a pink, male Asariod in unusual but formal attire. No one had ever seen the species until the stranger walked up to a C-SEC officer, identified himself as belonging to the ‘Thredabbleyew Aye’ and requested to see the Batarian representative. The officer had wisely opted to report to the First Contact Office, which brought everyone here.

Councilor Tevos keyed her Mic. “The Council recognizes and welcomes the Honorable Representative of Thredabbleyew Aye, and extends the hand of friendship and Galactic Goodwill to your people.” The gallery murmured in approval while Amon sneered in bored disdain.

The Asariod nodded, then removed his head covering and keyed his own Mic. “I apologize if I offend in ignorance, but to date I have only had the opportunity to learn the Batarian language.” The chamber’s VI’s translated the stranger’s clear and fluent Batarian into the tongues of everyone present. “I am Agent Liam, of the Three Double-U A.” The Councilors all took note of both the person’s name, and the native pronunciation of his people. “As for your  _ gracious _ greeting; I find it ironic since I am here to try and resolve a recent violent exchange between one of our clients,” he turned to face Jath’Amon, “and several members of your Batarian Hegemony. I had hoped to conduct these talks in private, but your C-SEC insisted.”

This caused a second, less approving murmur. “This is preposterous!” Amon slammed his fist on his podium. “The Hegemony is a distinguished member of this body! I will not be dragged out like a common Pleb at the baseless accusations of some primitive!”

Before the Council could call Amon on his outburst, Liam pulled a small disk from inside the folds of his coat. He lofted it into the air and, with a quick chirping sound, a perfect, if very large, three-dimensional image of a young Batarian male dominated the center of the chambers. The Gallery gasped at both the suddenness of the image, and it’s clarity. Some representatives went so far as to reach out to confirm whether it was a hologram or not.

Liam drew everybody's attention again. “Do you recognize this  _ sophont _ ?” 

Amon’s shocked expression snapped to one of outrage. “What did you call... Wait; this is my nephew! Where did you get this! If this is some twisted plan to extort the Hegemony--”

Liam gave no indication he was affected by Amon’s outburst. “This image and several other items were recovered from the incident site.” He gave another chirp and waved his hand. The titanic Batarian vanished, as did the council chambers. In their place was the deep black of a star system backlit by a Red Giant star. In the center was a state of the art Batarian Cruiser.

“Three days ago,” Liam spoke from his podium, then seeming to float in empty space as he stepped into the void, “one of our clients entered a system which we now know to be within the region you call the Skyllian Verge.” An oddly scalloped ovoid shape could be seen. “They encountered an unknown vessel which immediately hailed them.” 

The space was filled with the young voice of a Batarian male. “Unidentified ship, this is Kalen’Amon of the Batarian Hegemony! You will power down and prepare to be taken as  _ Plebs _ of the Glorious Hegemony!” The Gallery stirred in growing distress and anger.

“Outrageous! I protest to these slanders against my people!” Amon verbally lashed out, though he dared not step away as he glanced at the empty void beneath him.

Liam glanced at Amon with an almost condescending look. “These are your com-logs, recovered after the incident.” He faced the Councilors again. “We are prepared to provide all recovered evidence to this body for verification upon request. 

“Anyway,” he began pacing and gesturing to the two craft, “our clients had no way to translate the transmission, and simply transmitted the standard  _ SETI _ greeting.” The chamber filled with an unfamiliar language, while the ovoid craft shifted position.

An Elcor in the Gallery moved to try and see the ships better, but stepped off the currently invisible balcony. There was a general gasp as the Elcor cried out in alarm. Before anyone else could move, Liam seemingly lept under the massive being and caught him with a grunt.

“Woof, you’re a big one.” He set the shaken Elcor back on their feet. “If you’re new to  _ sensim _ , or don’t remember the layout of the room then it’s best not to move.” He patted the representative on it’s shoulder, and walked back to the middle of the room.

“Now then, this kept up for maybe five standard minutes until Kalen opened fire.” The Batarian ship was shown firing. There was some confusion, then distress as it was several seconds before faint impact flashes illuminated the nose of the ovoid ship. Distress became panic as the Batarian ship suddenly blue-shifted and became very large. All at once, the Council Chamber and Gallery were back. Liam caught the disk and returned to his podium.

“Needless to say, Kalen’s ship was destroyed with all hands.” He turned to face the Councilors again. “As I said before, I had hoped to conduct these talks in private, rather than either airing grievances or revealing such ugly and unpleasant matters in public--”

“You monsters!” Amon screamed. “You killed him!”

Liam merely quirked an eye. “No, the captain of the Shiki Maru did that after your nephew threatened to enslave his family and then opened fire. How Kalen’s crew of 600 intended to subdue an Ore Prospector with a crew of 25,000 I will never know.” He shook his head and continued. “I’m simply here on a fact finding mission. Those facts have been confirmed.” 

He turned to again face the Councilors when Amon lept to attack him. Liam’s right hand lashed out and jabbed the Batarian directly over his heart. Amon gasped in agony and collapsed at his feet. Liam looked down at Amon in complete disdain. After a moment, he hoisted the Batarian to his feet, then slammed his palm into Amon’s chest, launching him back to his podium. The ambassador shakily stood as Council security finally approached, his gasping breaths evening out. There was genuine fear in all four of his eyes as Liam spoke. “If you try that again, I won’t bother restating your heart.”

Councilor Sparatus spoke for the first time. “I apologize for Jath’Amon’s outburst, and the  _ clearly _ unwarranted attack on your people. I do hope we can come to a peaceful resolution so that we may move forward with negotiations.”

Liam cocked his head slightly to the side. “I’m afraid I don’t understand. I’m not with legal and have no authority to negotiate new contracts.”

Councilor Valern frowned slightly. “Not contracts, treaties; to integrate your people, the Three Double-U A into the greater galactic community.”

Liam smirked chuckled. “I’m afraid there’s been a miscommunication; after 500 years in this department I’m so accustomed to people knowing who we are. The price of hubris, I suppose.” He drew the disc from his pocket again and a logo consisting of four distinct characters floated in the air. “The WWWA, or 3WA is a company, not a government. It stands for Winthrop, Weyun, Wang and Associates.” The image disappeared and Liam looked at the assembled sophonts. He sighed at their collectively confused expressions, though he did notice a pair of Volus begin rapidly discussing with one another. “It’s an insurance company. I’m an agent for the Claims Adjustment division.” 

He turned to the stunned Councilors. “As I was saying, I’m only here on a fact finding mission. Now that I have confirmed the damage to my client’s ship is through no fault of their own, my business here is concluded. I need to return to the home-office and report my findings.” He turned to face Jath’amon. “You can expect two of my associates, Kei and Yuri from Accounts Receivable in the next day or two. I’d be respectful when they get here; they can be... excitable,” he glanced around the chamber at the station surrounding them, “and this station seems so very fragile.”

He nodded to the councilors and the Gallery. “Thank you for your time. I hope any future business dealings are of a less distressing nature. Good day.” Liam picked up his hat, turned to the back wall and whistled. A distortion like a Biotic warp formed causing the security detail to raise their weapons until the warp resolved into a distorted image of an office. Liam casually put his hat on, and walked through before the portal closed with a ‘bloop’, leaving the Citadel Council and Gallery of Representatives to wonder what exactly had just transpired?

**Author's Note:**

> The intent of this story is not to tell of VALLE PAX HUMANUM!, but rather to tell of a humanity advanced enough to not feel threatened by the new and unusual.  
> This is my first (but hopefully not last) foray into this fandom, and I have never actually played the games so expect some inconsistencies.  
> I would like to thank J_Shute for Beta reading this.


End file.
